The End.

1 May

I had my final session of therapy today. It’s over. The End.

I feel relieved.

I feel free.

I feel… weird.

I feel uncertain.

I feel drained.

My 38th Birthday

23 Apr

Midnight marks the end of my 38th birthday and I have enjoyed a splendid day. I feel loved, appreciated, lucky, wanted and included. My heart feels as if it is glowing; radiating an aura of contentment and gratitude.

I spent my morning celebrating with my parents and aunt, ahead of sharing birthday cake with my nieces, parents and sister during the evening. I was inundated with so many messages, gifts and cards throughout the day, from so many unexpected sources and even a persistent admirer! It was a touching and overwhelmingly emotional day.

I have learnt the hard way to make my time count and to count those around me as blessings. The people who remain by my side following my battle with depression are genuine, selfless and compassionate. I am incredibly lucky to count them as loved ones.

My day was by no means perfect but it was magnificent, none the less. It was a day of celebration and courage: I even found the confidence to go to the movies on my own this afternoon, to watch a film that I was eagar to see but for which I had no companion. I miss the luxury of having a best friend – someone with which to regularly socialise – but I have enough relatives, neighbours and other friends to make my existence pleasant and worthwhile.

My birthday may officially end at midnight but the celebrations will continue for several days. I am going out for dinner with my sister and childhood best friends tomorrow night, before attending a belated birthday meal with old work chums next week. All these people are coming together for me. I do not deserve anyone’s kindness, nor attention, and yet people share these freely. I cannot describe how wonderful that is and how privileged I feel. I am so blessed and undeniably lucky… it has been a Happy 38th Birthday in every way and I shall remember this day for all my life.

Finally!

16 Apr

It is done. The Forgiven One and I met to lay old ghosts to rest. We met at a burger bar for a conversation dotted with highs and lows, alternating from strained to animated. It wasn’t the evening I was expecting but an old fear was instantly dispelled: I felt no sexual attraction to the man sat across the table.

I felt the warmth and love I feel towards all my fellow human beings but there was nothing… improper… about the depth of feelings experienced. I shall always love The Forgiven One in my own, platonic way. He was once my everything – the beat of my heart, the warmth to my breath, the smile upon my face. He was also the polar opposite to all those things, bringing icy cold isolation, grief and misery to my life. We share a terrible history and it is one I have often sought to re-write, to no avail.

I am glad to have moved on from the past and to know that we are both mentally stronger… and certainly wiser!

Spring Showers & Summer Heat

4 Apr

The month of March was what many teenagers would describe as “real”. I experienced all manner of emotions and situations, from weeping with relief and joy at my father living to see another birthday, to grieving my childless future following a touching celebration for my cousin’s 16th. Spring always promises to bring showers and my tears responded to the season as if it was Commander and Chief. Throughout these Spring showers, I have somehow managed to bask in Summer heat: the warming glow of reciprocated love for family and friends.

I have accumulated many happy memories throughout March. These were not created through momentous or dramatic events; it was the small, short, blink-and-miss occurrences which gave me a sense of euphoria. They outweighed and outshone the pain of illness and the isolation of loneliness. They made me smile, laugh, clap and celebrate. They gave me happiness and positivity. They gave me hope and faith for continued joy and a bright future.

There Is Good Within Us All

2 Apr

It was only a week ago when my eyelids held back unshed tears – scalding lava crusting over agonised retinas – in response to an unintentional slight by The Forgiven One. A few days later, he made contact with a thoughtful gesture, reaffirming my belief that there is good within us all.

I was so moved by his actions: surprised yet touched that he thought me worth the effort. He wasn’t always so considerate, nor selfless. Neither, I suppose, was I. We share a terrible history yet I do not regret my own actions: there is nothing for which I should feel guilty, nor ashamed.

There were moments during my battle with depression when that knowledge provided unappreciated strength: rage and a sense of injustice are both powerful motivators. Unsurprisingly, I lament my emotional response to being backstabbed (depression and grief are more than debilitating) but I cannot blame anyone, least of all myself, for suffering a negative reaction in response to a pre-meditated betrayal. My actions were unplanned and reactive, not calculating and deliberate – as is often the case with those of us who have been backstabbed. Sadly, we rarely come across a backstabber who can say the same.

At this stage, I am long past attributing blame and pointing the finger. I feel no need. I am fuelled by acceptance rather than anger; hope instead of fear. I have embraced the concept of a future and I am glad to be a survivor.

Of course, hurdles remain scattered across my path: the endless debate which rages in my head (pondering my unidentified purpose and the fear that I am better off dead) shows no signs of fatigue; it merely saunters through my mind instead of sprinting endless laps around my temple. Yet, somehow, through all the turmoil, I am capable of finding joy, gratitude and optimism.

The past seven months have been genuinely amazing: my sense of place, of being present and capable, has steadily grown and developed; my confidence has improved; I have stepped beyond my comfort zone; I have even experienced desire, attraction and happiness. I still feel the shadows of worthlessness and isolation casting a chill across my path, yet I do not resent their lingering. This is the happiest I have felt in years – even in the face of illness, loneliness and unemployment.

It is a startling contrast to the place in which I found myself trapped at this point last year. I have read over my blogs from that period and I feel intensely relieved to now perch upon higher ground, gazing over the past from a safe and comfortable distance. Of course, there remains nothing but a short drop to separate our locations and I remain vigilant: flying back over the edge seems unlikely, however, I still prefer to stand as far back as possible.

The Forgiven One and I are due to meet soon, to officially bury former grudges and to banish old ghosts. Peace shall reign at last. I hope. The nightmares which have plagued my sleep since October 2012 have become less intense and, thankfully, more infrequent, over recent months. I pray that meeting The Forgiven One will forever vanquish their presence from my mind. I cannot change our diabolical history, but I can ensure that I blaze a path towards the future with dignity, composure, pride, compassion and acceptance.

I won the war. It took a while, but the conflict is over – internally and externally. I am the undisputed victor because it is I who finally walked tall enough to see a horizon of peace. I steered myself towards a haven of serenity and reward. The Forgiven One is meeting me at the end by invitation. He is there at my behest, because I have conquered all my demons… an army he amassed and once led to destroy me, yet only served to make me stronger. It is impossible not to value one who bestowed my being with such a treasured gift.

I am lucky to be here and The Forgiven One is lucky to have lost the war: my death would have one day come back to haunt him and we would have both been robbed of untainted peace. I cannot wait to see him to rejoice in our fledgling friendship and to enjoy the luxury of being alive to experience it.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

26 Mar

Today is a special day: my father’s birthday. His health is so precarious – and given that my mother has fought her own medical battles over the past year – it is truly a wonder and a blessing that we are all here, together, to celebrate another milestone.

I am so lucky to have a family. I nearly lost them all through paranoia and depression, yet here we are: together. And grateful.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

A Day at the Hospital

25 Mar

I spent my day at the hospital in need of emergency care. In fact, I had to visit two hospitals after the first one told me to go to a more advanced medical facility. I am tired and in pain but resolved to stay calm and unemotional.

In light of this stance, the tears currently burning behind my eyelids, like acid bombs, shall never scald my cheeks. Sadly, their presence is not triggered by the physical pain still assaulting my body: my tears have formed in response to tonight’s experience of being treated as worthless – yet again – by The Forgiven One. He has been so thoughtless in response to a selfless deed on my part, yet I do not feel anger. I am greatly saddened by my own actions and misplaced kindness. I should have known better than to expect any respect.

I should have known better… so why have I allowed myself to be treated in such a manner? Tomorrow, at least, is a new day – even if I cannot ever be a new person. Ah well.

I still believe that everything happens for a reason and we are all on a journey of varying lengths. I recognise that I have arrived at the wrong crossroad upon which The Forgiven One and I should meet, cross paths and safely move forward. There will be other opportunities – of that, I am certain. This is a delay in the journey to an inevitable destination. I am sad to be slowed down but glad to have directional guidance.

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