I have enjoyed a lovely week compared to those in recent years and, for a day, I even felt valued and appreciated. Sadly, all good things come to an end and I have been unceremoniously dropped back into reality like a satellite falling back to Earth. I have been badly burned and my use is spent. I will never escape who or what I am. Yes, I feel sad and have shed many tears this afternoon but I am also calm. I am not panicked nor resentful. I just am. I exist. I am. I am… Me. I am… Myself. I am. That’s all. That’s everything. I am everything I always was, everything I am meant to be and everything I ever will be. My worthlessness is innate. It is who and what I am. I accept that. I am… Me.
This week, I have been trying to address my health. I am in a bad way and putting up a front for others is exhausting. Everything aches and my side burns like someone has rubbed chilli into an open wound.
I hate the pain in my abdomen. I wish it would die but it somehow lives on. The empty cavity to the left, where an ovary and fallopian tube once dwelled, must be a scarred, inflamed mass of angry, grieving tissue. That’s how it feels: my body is in mourning.
It hurts so badly, all day, every day. Even my right side, feels constantly provoked. My remaining ‘good’ ovary and tube are somehow being stirred into warfare, battling it out as the side able to cause the most agony. I want to stab myself over and over in both the left and right, to silence them once and for all. Just die you evil demons!
Endometriosis is a tool of the Devil and he’s trying to kill me with it. The pain is causing nausea and I want to puke until I expel my own internal organs. I want to feel nothing. I don’t remember how it feels to have a pain free day and a good night’s sleep. I yearn for both as intensely as I yearn for my worthlessness to no longer exist. How futile. I cannot change who I am. I cannot banish the pain and make myself worthy.
Instead, I search for relief – no matter how brief – through doctors and hospitals. This week has included a succession of medical appointments. I am fighting my pain with the weapons available but it’s like throwing cotton balls at a fire breathing dragon. Of course, I’m doing it anyway because if just one of those balls somehow makes it the through the flames and chokes the beast to death, then it will be more than worth the struggle.
I am letting go of the past… of my anger… my grief… my sorrow. I cannot discard my worthlessness but I can own whatever is left. It doesn’t matter what I am as long as I feel happy that I am the best version of myself in my current state. Being the best worthless person on Earth is better than being nothing at all.
I forgive you Mr. Backstabber – you’re no longer The (Un)Forgiven One, even if you continue to terrorise my sleep every night for the rest of my days. I refuse to surrender to fear and evil. You’re just a man who came into my life and destroyed it. That’s why I’ve been trying to rebuild it ever since.
I haven’t erected very much but every inch laid down as a new foundation is one inch further away from you; it’s one inch further away from the ruin you left behind. Thank God.
You did your worst – now, it’s time for me to do my best.
I’m pleased that you have your nice life, your reputation, your career, and your sunshine island with your affluent lover. You have it all, just as you intended. Good for you.
I realised today that throughout all the years since you came into my life, I have always been aware of how many blessings I have. I have always been more aware of goodness than you, because I have always had my heart open to God and to love.
Good luck to you. I don’t need luck; I have faith.
No matter how bad things become – the nightmares, my health, my innate worthlessness – miracles and blessings still punctuate every page of my story. My life is guided by the hand of God and I feel his power so acutely, I am in awe. Two miracles in the past 24 hours have blessed my life, improving my hopes and my immediate future. I am grateful, so deeply thankful and incredibly humbled by a love which never stops giving, never stops caring, never stops supporting me over each and every obstacle.
Thank you, God. I love you. I really do.
Last night’s awful dreams destroyed my day. I awoke from my nightmares this morning feeling stressed and exhausted. Eight hours later, I feel no better. I have been weepy and bad tempered all day. Even getting out and about didn’t help, although that could be due to the ongoing pain in my side following surgery in January. My mind and body feel so tired and battered. I want to run away and hide, to find a cave in which I can feel safe.
Why do I still dream of that backstabbing liar? Why can’t The (Un)Forgiven One stop stalking my sleep? I suspected things would get harder in October, as this month inflames painful scars, yet I honestly believed this year would be less cruel. I thought my sleep would be better… that I would be better. Silly, I know. Why would my worthlessness suddenly disappear? How? It can’t.
Yesterday, I went to visit the baby I had felt scared to touch again after last month’s experience. I held the baby! I cuddled him and showed him love. I was proud of myself for overcoming my fears, only to fall asleep hours later to be faced with visions of the most terrifying man of all: The (Un)Forgiven One.
You cannot imagine the demon he is in my sleep. His nature is selfish and cruel in real life but in my nightmares it is intensified beyond description. The full force of the evil-monger and black-hearted backstabber that I have come to know so well is unleashed and unstoppable. He tells the world I am worthless. He laughs at my humiliation. He enjoys seeing me suffer. Still, I am nice to him. In every nightmare, I never fight back; I show him kindness. I try to be accepted. I strive for his compassion.
It never comes.
I start panicking in my sleep because I suddenly feel so overwhelmingly helpless. The sensation of powerlessness is almost paralysing. My heart feels frozen and I cannot breathe. It’s unbearable. Eventually, I wake up. My face is wet with tears and my chest aches. I gulp in deep breath after deep breath but I can’t ever seem to calm down. I feel exhausted and defeated. There’s relief, too, that I am awake and alone but I don’t feel safe. I know I am never safe because another night will quickly come. More dreams will follow. The cycle never stops. I am helpless.
Last night, I had one of the most horrific nightmares about The (Un) Forgiven One. It was the worst nightmare yet. In all the years I have been terrorised in my sleep by this man, no vision has ever been quite as disturbing and spine-chilling as the one which raped my sleep last night. Thsee nightmares need to stop. Just Stop. Go away. Finish. Die. I cannot function during the day after living through a night of terror. I am distressed and exhausted.
I am worried that the dream was a bad omen: an indication of impending doom from which I shall be unable to escape. Why, after all these years and months of therapy, do these dreams persist? I have accepted my worthlessness; I have accepted why I was mistreated and backstabbed; I have accepted that I do not deserve friends, family nor love. What more do I have to do to move forward? Why do I need reminders of my worthlessness in my sleep? I know I am nothing. An ugly, unhealthy, worthless, unemployed nothing. Go away, evil nightmares. Just go away.
The road is thick with fog and fear. The Earth beneath my feet moves as if it’s alive; every step forward braves unseen hazards. I have no idea where I am or where this path shall lead. Yet, there exists a calm within this murky expanse; I feel the heartbeat of the fog as it inhales and exhales. We are moving as one; bound to one another by an invisible connection. We drift ahead cheek to cheek, our breaths intermingling like lingering lovers sharing a kiss – an exchange of trust between human and nature.
I am not living in the same way as others but I am experiencing the life for which I was always meant. That’s enough. That’s actually a blessing. My obstacles are many but my blessings are far greater.
God is here, with me, for me and in support of my choices. I feel very lucky. I am not alone. He is with me even in the thick of the fog; even in the sinking Earth; even in the kiss of the night.