The Past 

1 Jan

The Past has had its last breath,

Killed by the Present with a swift, sharp blow,

All my worthlessness perished with its death,

I finally stand taller wherever I go.

Yes, I Bloody Well Can.

27 Dec

I can do this. I really can. I can face anything that life has to throw at me. I write these words whilst going through one of the most awful challenges of my life, with no close friends nor solid family ties to help bind my grief. I am also unemployed, in ill health and falling back into debt. Yet, I know I can survive it all. Somehow, I know what needs to be done and where my story is heading. I can move forward. Can I beat the odds? Yes, I bloody well can. Watch and see. 

I Can’t 

21 Dec

I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. I want to throw my worthless body from a bridge and find eternal peace. I am sick of living as less than everyone else. I am sick of being the odd one out. I am so tired of breathing in everyone else’s air; it was never meant to be wasted on the likes of myself. This world is for the valued – the loved and worthy. It is no place for the worthless. I hate living. I hate continuing through each day with the knowledge of my worthlessness. It weighs so heavily, my heart no longer exists. My chest cavity is filled with debris – rubbish, just like the rest of me.

All Good Things Come To An End

12 Nov

I have enjoyed a lovely week compared to those in recent years and, for a day, I even felt valued and appreciated. Sadly, all good things come to an end and I have been unceremoniously dropped back into reality like a satellite falling back to Earth. I have been badly burned and my use is spent. I will never escape who or what I am. Yes, I feel sad and have shed many tears this afternoon but I am also calm. I am not panicked nor resentful. I just am. I exist. I am. I am… Me. I am… Myself. I am. That’s all. That’s everything. I am everything I always was, everything I am meant to be and everything I ever will be. My worthlessness is innate. It is who and what I am. I accept that. I am… Me.

My Health

26 Oct

This week, I have been trying to address my health. I am in a bad way and putting up a front for others is exhausting. Everything aches and my side burns like someone has rubbed chilli into an open wound. 

I hate the pain in my abdomen. I wish it would die but it somehow lives on. The empty cavity to the left, where an ovary and fallopian tube once dwelled, must be a scarred, inflamed mass of angry, grieving tissue. That’s how it feels: my body is in mourning. 

It hurts so badly, all day, every day.  Even my right side, feels constantly provoked. My remaining ‘good’ ovary and tube are somehow being stirred into warfare, battling it out as the side able to cause the most agony. I want to stab myself over and over in both the left and right, to silence them once and for all. Just die you evil demons!

Endometriosis is a tool of the Devil and he’s trying to kill me with it. The pain is causing nausea and I want to puke until I expel my own internal organs. I want to feel nothing. I don’t remember how it feels to have a pain free day and a good night’s sleep. I yearn for both as intensely as I yearn for my worthlessness to no longer exist. How futile. I cannot change who I am. I cannot banish the pain and make myself worthy.

Instead, I search for relief – no matter how brief – through doctors and hospitals. This week has included a succession of medical appointments. I am fighting my pain with the weapons available but it’s like throwing cotton balls at a fire breathing dragon. Of course, I’m doing it anyway because if just one of those balls somehow makes it the through the flames and chokes the beast to death, then it will be more than worth the struggle. 

Letting Go

24 Oct

I am letting go of the past… of my anger… my grief… my sorrow. I cannot discard my worthlessness but I can own whatever is left. It doesn’t matter what I am as long as I feel happy that I am the best version of myself in my current state. Being the best worthless person on Earth is better than being nothing at all.

I forgive you Mr. Backstabber – you’re no longer The (Un)Forgiven One, even if you continue to terrorise my sleep every night for the rest of my days. I refuse to surrender to fear and evil. You’re just a man who came into my life and destroyed it. That’s why I’ve been trying to rebuild it ever since. 

I haven’t erected very much but every inch laid down as a new foundation is one inch further away from you; it’s one inch further away from the ruin you left behind. Thank God.

You did your worst – now, it’s time for me to do my best. 

I’m pleased that you have your nice life, your reputation, your career, and your sunshine island with your affluent lover. You have it all, just as you intended. Good for you.

I realised today that throughout all the years since you came into my life, I have always been aware of how many blessings I have. I have always been more aware of goodness than you, because I have always had my heart open to God and to love.

Good luck to you. I don’t need luck; I have faith. 

More Miracles

22 Oct

No matter how bad things become – the nightmares, my health, my innate worthlessness – miracles and blessings still punctuate every page of my story. My life is guided by the hand of God and I feel his power so acutely, I am in awe. Two miracles in the past 24 hours have blessed my life, improving my hopes and my immediate future. I am grateful, so deeply thankful and incredibly humbled by a love which never stops giving, never stops caring, never stops supporting me over each and every obstacle. 

Thank you, God. I love you. I really do.