I’m doing really well. Surprisingly so. In fact, the last three days have seen me mellow into a mild state of acceptance, positivity and even excitement.
I have enjoyed several wonderful experiences since Friday morning, in spite of the sorrow I feel for The Forgiven One’s health and the dissolving of our friendship. In truth, I am offended by his statement, “The problem is this: I love you”, as if feeling affection for one as worthless as myself is some kind of scourge.
Love is supposed to be a joyous, elevating experience – all love, from romantic to maternal. Yet, I have been made to feel as if I am somehow unworthy of a normal, positive and healthy emotion. Screw that. Seriously. Why should I feel apologetic or bad for another person feeling love towards me? Why should it be a problem for anyone? Why can’t it be something to enjoy and celebrate?
I am upset by The Forgiven One’s statement yet I am not angry, nor holding a grudge. I choose, instead, to cherish the love I feel towards him and wish him well for the future.
I acknowledge that his approach towards me over the years has damaged my self-esteem and much work is needed to craft my own future into a positive experience. For almost a decade, I have endured The Forgiven One’s ambiguous comments, statements and proclamations – all structured to erode my self-worth.
What should have been positive observations about both our relationship and myself were all twisted into negative put-downs to control and subjugate my being. It’s difficult to conclude how aware he was of his own behaviour; I don’t believe he was oblivious yet I am not convinced that he intended to cause longterm harm.
It’s sad how things have turned out; neither of us is happy with our history and I am sorry that we couldn’t find middle ground upon which to build a haven of peace for us to enjoy together, as friends, in the present and in the future.
For the time being, I believe that it is better for my mental health to have time away from The Forgiven One and to make the most of his wish to never speak again. I love him and I miss him but I cannot accept that it’s appropriate, nor particularly healthy, to have to listen to statements about myself which imply that I am either worthless or unworthy of positivity. I hate that I have been made to feel guilty for someone loving my person, as if that’s such a terrible state for my friends to suffer and endure.
I was willing to let bygones be bygones, after all the heinous things he did to me; happy to settle into a social and normal friendship, without asking for anything more than the same respect he has always bestowed so freely upon others. I envisaged a phone call every now and again, an occasional dinner meeting, the odd trip to the movies or drinking in a pub, a text exchange of platonic banter… regular social interaction. Instead, I ended up being insulted and humiliated. It’s all so needless… and out of my control. He is still pulling the strings, as he always was – the architect and master of our mutual Hell.
I hope with all my heart that The Forgiven One finds happiness. I also hope he learns to appreciate his loved ones; being mistreated by one who claims to love you really sucks. Massively. I am so tired of feeling betrayed. All I ever wanted was to be loved and valued as much as the other people in his life. Instead, I feel lower than ever: I occupy no position in his life, nor he in mine. It’s sad. Yet, I feel it is necessary. He doesn’t value me so he can never truly love me as a person, no matter what he says.
I love him and wish him well, but I need to deal with the ramifications of his actions: my low self-esteem has taken another battering and I need to focus on rebuilding my confidence. I have already begun, through positive interaction with those who seemingly care for and value my existence. I have immersed myself in love, despite stress and ongoing ill health. I have found the good in each day and enjoyed the affections of the people who show me love.
I still mourn the fact that I couldn’t wish The Forgiven One a Happy Birthday and I expect that sorrow will frequently occur as other milestones approach and pass: Christmas, New Year, Easter… I will silently wish him good tidings, blessings and love on each and every one of those occasions and I will continue to pray that he finds love, happiness and good health. I have moved on from hatred; I did that a long time ago. There is nothing to be gained by wishing him harm. I am better than that.