I Know.

9 Nov

I know that I shall get through it all; that my life shall continue to endure far longer than I could ever wish. It already has. I wish it was all over. In truth, I have been doing my best to sabotage my own resilience. I have gained 15 kilograms since mid-August, forcing my weight higher up the scale of morbid obesity.

I thought I had succeeded in my quest when, during last week, the chest pains I had been experiencing for several days intensified into what felt like a heart attack. At last, my time to pass on had arrived, or so I had thought.

It transpired that I am resilient enough to defeat my own attempt at sabotage; I have Costochondritis – nothing more perilous than inflammation of the rib cage leading to the sternum.

I am still here, albeit with a longer list of ailments and medical issues. I am so angry at myself. I keep failing at everything. I have failed as a human being, lacking everything from worthiness to beauty, from good health to romance. I am not likeable, loveable nor comprehensible. I am just wrong; so very, very wrong. I can’t bear the thought of living. I am exhausted by living a lie. Pretending to be ‘normal’ and happy is debilitating. I just want to rest… forever. I just want to die.

Still here.

8 Nov

I’m still here. It’s Remembrance Day; I spent this morning tearfully watching today’s memorial service in honour of the fallen soldiers who gave their lives to save the rest of us. I cannot describe how I feel at this moment and how it felt to witness the poignant images on TV earlier today. I felt overwhelmed with deep sorrow.

I spent this afternoon working from home but my mind was all wrong. It felt like a jigsaw and it was missing several pieces. I felt – and I still feel – wrong.

I was humbled by the scenes on TV; the silence to honour the dead, the thousands who lined the streets, many old and infirm, to honour the lives of the selfless soldiers, and the prayers for all our souls.

I feel guilty… guilty yet full of sorrow because my own life still endures and I yearn for death. Why do the selfless get taken too early while the selfish like myself still breathe and carry on? Where is the justice in the scales of life? Where is the judgement against those who shouldn’t exist? I wish I was worthy. I wish I was strong. Yet, I wish for my end with more passion than dread.

My desire is evil; that’s what we’re taught… don’t waste the gift of life, be grateful for every second. My mind is still a jigsaw – a puzzle with lost pieces, begging for completion. I wish I felt whole, worthy and happy. I wish I wasn’t like this and that misery was a stranger. All the dreams I ever had were nothing but phantoms. I thought they were goals but they were just ghosts pretending to be real.

I Hope I Die Tonight

7 Nov

I hope I go to bed and there is no tomorrow. No life. No breath. No consciousness. No afterlife. I hope I die tonight in my sleep of natural causes and never wake up.

I hate myself. I hate my health. I hate the world. And I hate The Forgiven One.

I loathe my history. I don’t  want my future. I hate my present. I just want to die because my only desire is to feel nothing. I don’t want to think. I just want… I need…  nothing. I ought to be forgotten and I wish I had never been here.

Loneliness is dangerous: ignore it at your peril | Philippa Perry | Comment is free | The Guardian

24 Oct

This article popped up in my social media feed tonight and has made me feel so sad: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/oct/23/loneliness-health-dangerous-old-age-death?CMP=fb_gu. I am well-acquainted with loneliness and I have already tried the author’s recommended actions. Still, I am no less alone and isolated.

For example, I have been on leave from work for the past fortnight and reached out to many friends and former work colleagues during this period. I have socialised with over ten people throughout my break – including relatives – yet I have walked away from each encounter feeling equal measures of loneliness and gratitude.

I suppose it’s because I only ever socialise with others on their terms. Overall, I am powerless and desperate. I yearn for social interaction but, often times, there’s no-one available to hang out with me when I really need them. Their lives are rich and busy, crammed to bursting with children, partners, careers and hobbies. They cannot fathom what it’s like to be afflicted with forced and prolonged isolation. They cannot imagine how lonely it is to be me.

Oddly, I find little reassurance or comfort during social encounters, even in the wake of powerful longing. They often feel counter-productive. I am an outsider… a fact which remains with whomever I socialise. I am painfully aware that I do not belong and I become highly self-conscious.

The feelings of worthlessness created by The Forgiven One over the years still echo throughout my soul, reverberating loudest in the company of others. I do all I can to stifle their echoes, and I am highly skilled in projecting false enthusiasm and a positive public image. My social media profiles portray a confident, social butterfly, fluttering from one exciting event to the next. There is nothing exciting about my life… there is only endless loneliness; hidden behind ever-rising walls.

I am lonely and it’s a debilitating state. Yet, what can I do? I put myself ‘out there’ – into that vast maze of social avenues – only to find myself repeatedly trapped alone in yet another dead end. I so long for someone. It’s a silly dream, I know, but it would be truly amazing to have a best friend or partner willing to share my life and interests. I am pining for privileges I do not deserve… but I dream of these gifts nonetheless.

I dream of a world in which my individual loneliness does not exist, and that is the most perilous desire of all. I am destined to be disappointed… in myself more so than others, because I cannot possibly achieve something which relies on my own worth. I haven’t had any self-worth for so long, I cannot remember the taste of confidence nor the smell of contentment. I do not remember anything before my worthlessness. I do not remember who I am.


21 Oct

I am grateful for The Forgiven One’s absence from my life. The psychological abuse he systematically inflicted, even as one who purported to “love” me, was cruel and manipulative. Over the past ten days, I have come to realise that the scars he created will never fade and the fresh wounds he inflicted over the summer will never fully heal. Yet, something marvellous has emerged; the realisation that I am a better person without his presence in my life.

I am slowly coming alive, in spite of the emotional weights which were dragging my soul towards an early grave. From within the darkness of this plunging hole, I am slowly crawling, reaching out through blind sorrow and worthlessness to search for an opening. I don’t know where this crack may lead but as long as it veers away from my past, away from The Forgiven One, I will keep crawling until I find the strength to stand, walk and eventually run from all that I was towards all I am destined to be.

I am stronger than ever… and it feels good.


19 Oct

I have been on annual leave from work for the past week and I am glad of the respite from a truly gruelling work schedule. I need my job – for the routine it offers as well as an income – so I intend to remain in employment for as long as I can. It doesn’t help my dwindling health but it provides a daily purpose.

I am now beyond the halfway mark of my holiday period and I have made the most of my time with activities and distractions. Sadly, there is one thing from which I cannot escape: myself. I am such a lost, lonely soul. The isolation I suffer is, at times, a painful reminder of all that I currently lack in my life. After all, it’s one thing to attend the movies or theatre alone by choice but merely sad and pathetic to do so because there’s no other option.

I cannot describe the depth of regret I feel for wasting the best years of my life with The Forgiven One. I wish we had never met. Had I the power, I would transport myself back in time to make better choices, beginning with a hasty retreat from his acquaintance. Yes, these thoughts are harmful and pointless but I cannot deny my feelings.

Strangely, I am not depressed tonight, in spite of my loneliness: the purpose of this post is neither to wallow nor to grieve. I am done with both of those. I merely feel a need; a need to be heard, to have someone – anyone – to listen and relieve my isolation.

I just don’t want to be alone.

I’m Doing Really Well

4 Oct

I’m doing really well. Surprisingly so. In fact, the last three days have seen me mellow into a mild state of acceptance, positivity and even excitement.

I have enjoyed several wonderful experiences since Friday morning, in spite of the sorrow I feel for The Forgiven One’s health and the dissolving of our friendship. In truth, I am offended by his statement, “The problem is this: I love you”, as if feeling affection for one as worthless as myself is some kind of scourge.

Love is supposed to be a joyous, elevating experience – all love, from romantic to maternal. Yet, I have been made to feel as if I am somehow unworthy of a normal, positive and healthy emotion. Screw that. Seriously. Why should I feel apologetic or bad for another person feeling love towards me? Why should it be a problem for anyone? Why can’t it be something to enjoy and celebrate?

I am upset by The Forgiven One’s statement yet I am not angry, nor holding a grudge. I choose, instead, to cherish the love I feel towards him and wish him well for the future.

I acknowledge that his approach towards me over the years has damaged my self-esteem and much work is needed to craft my own future into a positive experience. For almost a decade, I have endured The Forgiven One’s ambiguous comments, statements and proclamations – all structured to erode my self-worth.

What should have been positive observations about both our relationship and myself were all twisted into negative put-downs to control and subjugate my being. It’s difficult to conclude how aware he was of his own behaviour; I don’t believe he was oblivious yet I am not convinced that he intended to cause longterm harm.

It’s sad how things have turned out; neither of us is happy with our history and I am sorry that we couldn’t find middle ground upon which to build a haven of peace for us to enjoy together, as friends, in the present and in the future.

For the time being, I believe that it is better for my mental health to have time away from The Forgiven One and to make the most of his wish to never speak again. I love him and I miss him but I cannot accept that it’s appropriate, nor particularly healthy, to have to listen to statements about myself which imply that I am either worthless or unworthy of positivity. I hate that I have been made to feel guilty for someone loving my person, as if that’s such a terrible state for my friends to suffer and endure.

I was willing to let bygones be bygones, after all the heinous things he did to me; happy to settle into a social and normal friendship, without asking for anything more than the same respect he has always bestowed so freely upon others. I envisaged a phone call every now and again, an occasional dinner meeting, the odd trip to the movies or drinking in a pub, a text exchange of platonic banter… regular social interaction. Instead, I ended up being insulted and humiliated. It’s all so needless… and out of my control. He is still pulling the strings, as he always was – the architect and master of our mutual Hell.

I hope with all my heart that The Forgiven One finds happiness. I also hope he learns to appreciate his loved ones; being mistreated by one who claims to love you really sucks. Massively. I am so tired of feeling betrayed. All I ever wanted was to be loved and valued as much as the other people in his life. Instead, I feel lower than ever: I occupy no position in his life, nor he in mine. It’s sad. Yet, I feel it is necessary. He doesn’t value me so he can never truly love me as a person, no matter what he says.

I love him and wish him well, but I need to deal with the ramifications of his actions: my low self-esteem has taken another battering and I need to focus on rebuilding my confidence. I have already begun, through positive interaction with those who seemingly care for and value my existence. I have immersed myself in love, despite stress and ongoing ill health. I have found the good in each day and enjoyed the affections of the people who show me love.

I still mourn the fact that I couldn’t wish The Forgiven One a Happy Birthday and I expect that sorrow will frequently occur as other milestones approach and pass: Christmas, New Year, Easter… I will silently wish him good tidings, blessings and love on each and every one of those occasions and I will continue to pray that he finds love, happiness and good health. I have moved on from hatred; I did that a long time ago. There is nothing to be gained by wishing him harm. I am better than that.


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