Shutting Down

6 Jan

I feel calmer now: drained and tired from being all cried out. Rain is hammering my windows with surprising force, and I relate to the intensity of Mother Nature’s tears. A few hours earlier, my own sorrow was equally raw.

I am relieved it’s a new day. Yesterday was so intense, I felt as if my mind was ready to shatter into microscopic pieces, never to be whole again.

I had to shut down my Facebook account: seeing the happy statuses of all those I have ever known only served to inflict further wounds. My life is so different to all those I have ever befriended. They have children, lovers, husbands, wives, careers, accolades, property, good health and – best of all – value. They are worthy.

My life has shut down: switched off by a chain of events triggered by one man. Were he a God, I wouldn’t feel so bad. But he’s just a man. The overwhelming grief his actions have triggered is frightening. The ferocity of this grief is yet more terrifying. It is all-consuming, suffocating and binding. There is no release, only suffering.

I am calmer now – no more tears to drown my face – but the grief still has me bound within its shackles. I wear a straight-jacket despite not being committed to the loony bin.

Freedom is a privilege – both physical and emotional – and, as depicted by history, struggle always precedes the attainment of freedom. I hope my struggle will bear equally liberating fruit.

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3 Responses to “Shutting Down”

  1. danielandrewlockwood January 6, 2014 at 4:12 am #

    I believe in you. I must because I feel we are all connected, and I will never give up on you because that would be the same as giving up on myself. There was a time when I was truly suicidal. No kidding. I’ve come so close to death so many times and I’m still here. Please at least read the introduction on my blog. I used to be 347 pounds, now 220, I was a two fifths of vodka a day drunk and now 18 1/2 years in recovery. I went 15 years without a woman in my life because I thought love wasn’t worth it….that philosophy almost destroyed me. The best people I have met have an understanding of just how bad it can be and they are the ones who end up shaping our world for the better. Love IS the way but it MUST start with the self. This is not the road to a self-centered life but one of self-appreciation and self-acceptance. I have nothing to sell on my blog, it’s all just sharing……NEVER preaching. PLEASE don’t give up, I’m sure glad I didn’t. With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood http://www.danielandrewlockwood.com

    • 101chick January 6, 2014 at 4:03 pm #

      Thank you. I have checked out your blog site and I will give your advice a shot. I have nothing to lose.

      • danielandrewlockwood January 6, 2014 at 11:35 pm #

        Stay in touch if you like, Feel free to scroll back through my tweets on Twitter, they are posted on my blog along with a link directly to my page; you don’t need an account. Maybe there’s some fun stuff floating around in there you might find entertaining.

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