Baking & the Blues

20 Sep

After less than three hours sleep, I awoke today to wish my sister a Happy Birthday. Her husband and children have taken her out for the day, keen to spoil her and show their love. I feel deeply grateful and happy that she is blessed with such a thoughtful and loving family.

She deserves to be spoiled and I cannot wait to see them all tomorrow afternoon. I am looking forward to presenting her with the layered cake I am baking in her honour.

My mother, in spite of her troubled health, has already planned and started preparing for a glorious birthday feast. There are few meals to rival my mother’s cooking – she is renowned for her culinary expertise – and many have fought for dinner invitations to our home over the years. Ours was never a quiet home – until my breakdown commenced in October 2012 and my father’s illness set in. My mother’s Cancer battle has further emptied the halls: we now live in a lonely shell, both physically and emotionally.

I am happy that my sister and my parents have been blessed with children and romantic love: I could never resent their joy. That said, I feel acutely lonely. Admittedly, I feel a bit weepy and lost today – yet I am still making the most of my time by keeping busy and baking.

I have accepted the full force of wasting my 30s on a best friend and lover who turned out to be a liar for the entire duration. It was a cold, hard slap in the face and I still can’t quite believe my own stupidity: I was so naive but there’s no point in looking back.

I will never have a husband and children to shower me with love on my birthday. There will never be any romantic brunches nor family celebrations in my honour. This is all there is; it’s all there ever will be. I have to learn to take it, own it and find a way to fill the void of loneliness.

That should be enough – it has to be as there is no other option – but I still feel so lost. It also doesn’t help that October 7th is looming – the dreaded anniversary of the day my world crumbled, back in 2012. Thank God I am in a better place, emotionally if not physically, but I have to take positive action to beat the blues. I don’t relish the thought of having a loveless and childless future but I chose life over death because I love my family more than I will ever love myself. I have vowed to find the good in the world and make the most of my time on Earth.

I must begin by changing the negative anchor weighing down my emotions over winter: October needs to be re-defined as a happy, exciting and positive month. I have been trying to think of ways to do that and I have yet to conceive an appropriate action to re-brand the month. I still have time to crack this conundrum so I refuse to give in to depression. I cannot waste the positivity I have experienced in recent weeks and I am determined to keep my mental setting above “Depressed” and permanently in “Optimistic”. I want to fulfil all the remaining dreams that succeed motherhood and true love. It’s time to take back my world and control of my own destiny.

Explaining Your Feelings to Someone is Never Easy

20 Sep

I came upon a social media post earlier which stated: “Explaining your feelings to someone is never easy”. I concur. Yet, I do feel that those who truly care if you understand or not will endeavour to do all they can to convey their sentiments.

I am starting to accept what others have been trying to drill into my thick skull during recent months: only those who truly care about my wellbeing will ever think I am worth any positive action, explanation, conversation and kindness. I grieve the lost years I had to scarifice to learn this particular lesson but I am grateful nonetheless to have finally taken heed of its importance.

Resilience

19 Sep

I am exhausted from lack of sleep and possibly by the side-effects of prolonged stress but I am still finding reasons to be positive. I feel very humbled by the kind actions of others – particularly my mother’s friends, who have been so overwhelmingly supportive over recent months. We are all very lucky and grateful for our blessings – they are far greater than we ever realised.

9 Ways Stress Affects More Than Just Your Nerves | Thinking About Health

18 Sep

That horrifying moment when you realise that you’re reading a description of yourself, written by a total stranger: http://thinkingabouthealth.com/health-hazards/9-ways-stress-affects-more-than-just-your-nerves/

Sleeping With The Enemy

17 Sep

I am exhausted. I was still awake well into the early hours of this morning, unwilling to risk falling sleep. Most people feel safe in their beds; I only feel fear. I am scared of closing my eyes only to be plagued by demonic visions of The Forgiven One and his callous deeds. I cannot wait for the day when my mind is free from torment. I have been coping so well of late, feeling positive and hopeful during the day, yet at night I am forced to yield beneath the hand of Grief. I lie trapped, sleeping with the enemy, unable to break free.

Grateful for Cake

14 Sep

My nieces baked a batch of butterfly cakes with their mother this afternoon, including one made especially for myself. It was decorated with lashings of buttercream, along with my name – iced in pretty green letters. I love being an aunty. It’s the greatest job I have ever had. I feel so blessed to have my nieces in my life and I shall forever grieve my failing to provide them with cousins.

If I have learnt anything which can be imparted to other women as good advice, I believe it is this: don’t waste the best years of your life waiting for someone. Optimism is no substitute for love. Should you reach your 30s and find yourself in a relationship that feels as if it’s going nowhere and your lover cannot see your true worth, find the courage to walk away. Leave. Go. Find someone else. Make haste.

Never waste the precious years available to bear and raise children. Once they’re gone, the world will never look or feel the same again. You’ll always be an outsider looking in: a lonely stranger living on the outskirts of town. All your hopes, dreams and fears are forever altered and you’ll never again know the freedom of limitless opportunity: boundaries will forever block your path, never to fall. Imagine a wall you cannot scale nor tear down – the world beyond is impenetrable.

If I knew in 2007 all the things I have come to learn since, I would have walked a very different path. Hindsight is a glorious tormenter, taunting our mistakes with little mercy.

I have paid a catastrophic price for my poor judgement in The Forgiven One. Back in 2007, within the first year of our unconventional relationship, he used to say things like, “When we’re married…” and “We’ll have chandeliers like that in our house one day…”. Lord, I was a fool to ever believe anything he uttered – he would weave falsehoods in the same way excited grandmothers knit baby booties: quickly and with purpose.

The Forgiven One still enjoys the luxury of endless time to father children. He will, no doubt, go on to do so, and will probably regale any sons he may produce with stories of his deeds as a scoundrel and womanizer. My pain will become their entertainment, and he shall be idolized as a hero and a role model.

Strangely, I am not depressed this evening, in spite of just cause to wallow in melancholy. Yes, I shed a brief tear for the childless, loveless future ahead but it was a passing moment: a stab of pain, fleeting and familiar. I accept my lot but I feel sad for my nieces; I have failed them as well as myself. Yet, I do have one responsibility left to fulfil in hopes of redeeming myself: I will endeavour to be the best aunty the world has ever seen. I will bring my nieces joy, as they bring unto me.

I love them more dearly than words will ever relay and I hope my actions will be the measure they remember when they look back upon my life and the vast place in my heart which is theirs to forever own.

A Great Night Out

13 Sep

I have enjoyed a great night out, visiting a street food event with one of my friends. I didn’t feel self-conscious nor worthless, manoeuvring through the crowd with excitement and anticipation and rejoicing in the feeling of freedom and anonymity. 

Tonight, I looked good… I felt good… my experience was good. I even took down a few ideas for my bucket list, hatching trips and plans I cannot afford with joy and fervour, much like my old self would have done during the glorious years before I met The Forgiven One.

I am staging a comeback and, this time, I shall be unstoppable. Woe betide any and all who endeavour to derail my progress. They’re going down.

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