After less than three hours sleep, I awoke today to wish my sister a Happy Birthday. Her husband and children have taken her out for the day, keen to spoil her and show their love. I feel deeply grateful and happy that she is blessed with such a thoughtful and loving family.
She deserves to be spoiled and I cannot wait to see them all tomorrow afternoon. I am looking forward to presenting her with the layered cake I am baking in her honour.
My mother, in spite of her troubled health, has already planned and started preparing for a glorious birthday feast. There are few meals to rival my mother’s cooking – she is renowned for her culinary expertise – and many have fought for dinner invitations to our home over the years. Ours was never a quiet home – until my breakdown commenced in October 2012 and my father’s illness set in. My mother’s Cancer battle has further emptied the halls: we now live in a lonely shell, both physically and emotionally.
I am happy that my sister and my parents have been blessed with children and romantic love: I could never resent their joy. That said, I feel acutely lonely. Admittedly, I feel a bit weepy and lost today – yet I am still making the most of my time by keeping busy and baking.
I have accepted the full force of wasting my 30s on a best friend and lover who turned out to be a liar for the entire duration. It was a cold, hard slap in the face and I still can’t quite believe my own stupidity: I was so naive but there’s no point in looking back.
I will never have a husband and children to shower me with love on my birthday. There will never be any romantic brunches nor family celebrations in my honour. This is all there is; it’s all there ever will be. I have to learn to take it, own it and find a way to fill the void of loneliness.
That should be enough – it has to be as there is no other option – but I still feel so lost. It also doesn’t help that October 7th is looming – the dreaded anniversary of the day my world crumbled, back in 2012. Thank God I am in a better place, emotionally if not physically, but I have to take positive action to beat the blues. I don’t relish the thought of having a loveless and childless future but I chose life over death because I love my family more than I will ever love myself. I have vowed to find the good in the world and make the most of my time on Earth.
I must begin by changing the negative anchor weighing down my emotions over winter: October needs to be re-defined as a happy, exciting and positive month. I have been trying to think of ways to do that and I have yet to conceive an appropriate action to re-brand the month. I still have time to crack this conundrum so I refuse to give in to depression. I cannot waste the positivity I have experienced in recent weeks and I am determined to keep my mental setting above “Depressed” and permanently in “Optimistic”. I want to fulfil all the remaining dreams that succeed motherhood and true love. It’s time to take back my world and control of my own destiny.