25 Jan

Last week ended with an unbelievable outcome: an attractive entrepreneur, who is young enough to be my son, asked me out on a date. I declined, of course, yet I felt overwhelmingly flattered. I am neither successful nor beautiful, yet this sexy, young man – with a sprawling empire at his heels – found me to be worthy.

He arrived at this conclusion during a work-related meeting (the one and only time we have met). In spite of his youth, he had sufficient wisdom to identify my positive attributes, honing in on my personality traits and humour.

It is a shame this man is so young; had he been older, I would have yielded to his persistent attempts to secure a date. I am not ready for a relationship and I doubt I can ever trust a man with my heart, but I was impressed by his selflessness. This man has the world at his feet and instead of plucking a rose in full bloom, he opted for an ageing, wilting stem, long past its prime. This was both compassionate and insightful: he choose that which would most benefit from a little love and attention.

It is rare to see such behaviour from a rising entrepreneur: most seem to chase supermodels or pumped-and-sucked, surgically-sculpted Barbies. I feel humbled and very grateful for his time and attention. More so, I am impressed: an entrepreneur is skilled at making something from nothing and this requires immense self-belief and confidence. It took courage to ask an older woman for a date and yet more to process a rejection with humour and persistence. This young man has a beautiful wisdom which is reflected in his approach towards success: keep battling; don’t stop trying; always persevere.

Yet, I do not believe it was an extension of his work ethic which stimulated his lust: I was not appraised for sport, as some kind of challenge or conquest akin to a business deal. I believe the positive responses I have attracted in recent months all stem from my current mindset: happy, hopeful and driven. I suspect I am radiating the right beam of light; that shining iridescence with which others associate confidence, fun and adventure. I am enjoying all three, to varying degrees, each slowly maturing under an intensifying beam I have no desire to dim. I am giving off the right signals; a beacon to which others are drawn.

I suspect that my beam will continue to project its light within the periphery of others and my suitors will continue to emerge at surprising intervals. I am not sure how to deal with romantic attention as I am unable to enter into a relationship, however, I am resolved to enjoy and celebrate the attention for what it is: a compliment.

I spent most of my 30s with a man who saw no beauty in my being so it is a gratifying luxury to suddenly find myself both desirable and valued. It is a wonderful outcome, generating so many fresh, unexpected and intense emotions – from bewilderment and nervousness to excitement and glee. I shall savour these sensations for many months to come because I feel not only appreciated, present and included, I feel vindicated. I am not as useless, worthless and ugly as I have been led to believe: I have potential. I have hope.


21 Jan

Talking about the film FOXCATCHER:

My father: “Was it any good?”
Me: “Yes, but really confusing for the first half an hour.”
My father: “Why?”
Me: “The characters spoke so little, I thought it was a film about Autism.”
My father: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “I know; it was like they remade RAIN MAN but without the entertainment…”

I’ll never make it as a film reviewer.


20 Jan

My faith was tested yesterday… as was the trust placed in my own decisions. I do not always get it right and I have occasionally veered away from God, losing faith at the time when it is most required. I am proud to realise that I have, at last, learnt from past mistakes: I did not question my faith, nor the prudence of my own actions, during a heart-wrenching situation which occurred yesterday. The sorrowful outcome stemmed from a decision made last year.

I knew at the time, which was a hazy period of burnt-out depression and grief, that my actions were likely to have a negative impact at some point in my future. Yesterday, all my pigeons came home to roost and I shall be forced to hear their flapping for the rest of my days. Yet, I do not regret nor question the decisions and actions which have led to this moment: I have faith that any judgement made was a result of selfless love and I place my trust in God, fate and the universe that the soul-shattering outcome is for my benefit.

I hurt deeply… my heart and soul shed tears of grief, yet I believe the tide generated is one that still carries my life along its intended journey. I have a pilgrimage to undertake, despite the lack of a defined destination.

I am acutely aware of being in motion: I am learning, moving, progressing and propelling forwards. I have finally been directed towards… something.

Something else.

Something new.

Something different.

Something hidden.

Something destined.

Something mine.

I have faith in myself as well as my destiny. There is something powerful guiding my journey; a force driving my footsteps and tugging at my hand. I walk in the shadow of sorrow yet within the firm grip of love.

I Got 99 Problems but Endometriosis Aint One

13 Jan

There will come a time when I’ll be humming: “I’ve got 99 problems… and Endometriosis aint one”.

I have taken the liberty of seeking out a female personal trainer specialising in women’s weight loss, taking into account various medical conditions affecting hormones, mood and general wellbeing. Together, we shall explore my range of movement with Endometriosis and try to ascertain the triggers for the crippling pain and bleeding I have experienced during military fitness training.

I spotted an advertisement on social media – quite by accident – offering three weeks of unlimited personal training with a female instructor… for less than a third of the typical cost of a lone session! It was a fortuitous moment; one that I believe indicates the good in the world: strange forces, working together, to deliver exactly what I need at the exact moment it’s required. There have been many such moments in my life: endless miracles and blessings, blazing a path towards health and happiness. During my deepest depression, I sensed and acknowledged their presence but couldn’t adjust my focus to explore anything beyond grief.

I intend to resume my military fitness programme, armed with a renewed sense of confidence and greater awareness of my own body. My male instructor is a motivating and exceptional role model – encouraging, inspirational and patient to the entire group. He is always happy and loves his work. I believe he will wholeheartedly support my dedication in finding a female trainer to subdue my Endometriosis, although I suspect he would have accepted the same challenge had I discussed my fears.

At present, I cannot perform to the level of other military fitness clients. I hope that a specialised programme with a female trainer will push my capabilities to their highest peak, before I re-join my regular fitness group. I am conscious that Endometriosis creates a weak link in the chain… I hinder the sessions for everyone because I cannot identify and avoid the triggers for pain and bleeding.

Hopefully, that shall change in three short weeks.

I am taking my fitness extremely seriously this year and I am determined to achieve my weight loss goals. I need to boost my confidence and self-image but, perhaps more importantly, I cannot bleat to my parents about the importance of good health and diet while piling on weight from a sedentary lifestyle. I can either lead by example or accept that I’m a hypocrite.

I am excited for the weeks ahead: taking positive action makes me feel happy. I have ambition and drive… things I once feared lost. Thankfully, they were merely lying dormant until my mental state was ready to awaken my soul. It’s nice to be back. It’s nice to be optimistic. It’s nice to be… me.

Helping Others Feels Good

12 Jan

Doing nice things for others and helping them in times of struggle feels good. I am honoured to be one others seek for counsel and support. It not only warms my heart to be valued in such a manner, it is also very humbling. I spent so long believing myself to be worthless, it is nice to be reminded that I am still far from discarded.

I spent my afternoon speaking to a beautiful young woman who is sadly caught within the grip of depression. Her story was all too familiar and I am sadly well acquainted with every aspect of her illness: anxiety, stress, a compromised immune system, loss of sleep, weight gain and an overwhelming sense of dread.

I delivered a motivational pep talk, drawing upon my own experiences, and I am pleased to say this woman has already started to embrace change by adopting her own version of Swaptober.

I am thrilled to have inspired another to overcome their melancholy and I am grateful for the opportunity to promote positivity. It wasn’t an arduous task; it merely required a simple, honest speech – imparted with motivational fervour, heavily punctuated with humour and empathy.

There was a time in my past when I was regarded as a spectacular orator. Yes, even I find that somewhat hard to accept, yet I was once a persuasive and compelling speaker (thanks in part to a career path that required an innate ability to influence others). My words were my currency; I earned results through persuasive syllables, phrases, delivery and humour.

This power of persuasion is a genetic gift from my father: a charismatic, unforgettable orator whose words seem to resonate with all he meets. We have always been able to sway others with words – both positively and negatively. In truth, it is both a magnificent gift and a debilitating burden to access such power through simple speech.

I believe my own words contributed forcefully to my downfall in recent years. They aided my imprisonment within a compound of depression. Having liberated myself last year, I now give more thought to my words and have dusted off a library of forgotten adjectives radiating positivity and joy. I finally acknowledge that I am capable of being joyful, worthy, fabulous, appreciated, revered, admired, celebrated, gifted, spontaneous, kind, thoughtful, inspiring, talented, important, cherished, sexy and healthy.

As are we all.

With the right words, we can achieve almost anything. Should one choose to adopt a damaging vocabulary, it attacks every aspect of one’s life and that of others. Life is a fragile, precious privilege of which so many are cruelly robbed. I refuse to erode my own by harbouring the wrong words.

I have every reason to celebrate my being: I am not a bad person who commits heinous acts. I am me… someone with which others can converse for inspiration, strength, advice, optimism, resilience, hope and unwavering support. Being a kind friend and helping others feels great. I am blessed to still be here, to share my words and appreciate those of others. There is so much more to say on this subject but I believe we have a lifetime to share our thoughts. I am looking forward to tomorrow’s conversations and those set to follow in the years to come.

Making Plans

9 Jan

A vow to abandon day-to-day living for a focussed, longer term strategy is not the easiest to fulfil but I am well on my way. Today, I volunteered to attend a free course commencing in April.

It seems a lifetime away.

I confess, the course does not offer any opportunity for career development: I find its subject attractive as a potential hobby craft. I do not regard this as a negative catalyst for embracing change, but I acknowledge the limitations of a scatter-gun approach. At some point, I shall have to assess my immediate needs – such as selecting a career path, learning to trust others – and formulating a timeline and plan to achieve my goals.

At present, I remain in the mode of a toddler; taking excited yet clumsy steps forward towards short-range rewards that I do not fully understand. They look enticing, they pique my curiosity, but what is their true purpose and value? I am staring at my world with inquisitive eyes and restricted freedom: I cannot run before I can walk. I can, however, enjoy every step forward, regardless of speed and distance.

I have yet to reach a level of progress to garner, nor deserve, mass admiration but it’s enough to praise and celebrate on a personal level. Each motion forward is a positive endeavour and a journey that will continue even when I am confined to remain still…

I have been trapped indoors, imprisoned by the pain of Endometriosis. Still, I used the internet to research and enrol on a course taking place in the future. I cannot visualise my life at that point in time… I have no vision of what “reality” could look like when April rolls around. I know I’ll be one year older (my 38th birthday looms in the same month) but that is not something for which I am particularly enthused. I believe “indifferent” is my current level of emotion towards my birthday. It’s no big deal, beyond an excuse for cake and presents. I suppose one could describe the course as a self-indulgence: a birthday present to myself.

And why not?

The most important part of adapting to a new mindset is realising that it’s acceptable to admire and reward myself for taking positive action. That feels good… it feels appropriate.


8 Jan

My insides are burning with the savagery of a raging inferno… the pain throughout my ovaries and uterus is a searing, blistering heat. I can almost feel my eggs boiling and exploding; tubes melting and collapsing; a crimson womb greying into a choking ash.

I hate having Endometriosis.

Every other part of my body feels fine; it’s just the defective female plumbing that I am supposed to celebrate, despite its utter uselessness, that scorches and burns with every movement. It sheds tears of blood, flowing from my body in an overwhelming wave of grief. We are united in anguish and despair, resenting one another for each other’s suffering.

I am desperate for sleep but my body is screaming. My raw nerves – those poor, overly abused sensors that are already grated raw from daily living – are dancing like electrified wires, hissing and snaking as sparks threaten to ignite further suffering. My brain could easily succumb to the ravages of a cerebral fireball – a sudden explosion of anger and frustration – but I choose, with not a small amount of difficulty, to ignore the pain as much as possible.

It’s so hard… I cannot move. My insides hurt. The pain is ferocious. It burns. It all burns. It’s like acid has been injected into my abdomen. I can’t stand it. I just want to sleep. I need to sleep. I am so tired… but I have to wait for every flame to exhaust itself. There is no salvation. I am at the mercy of an inferno that is unlikely to extinguish itself before dawn.

The red and orange hues of the sun will rise to burn brightly while the smouldering remains of my womb and ovaries will surely blacken the day ahead.

I will not let this beat me. I may continue to weep tonight but the worst will be over by tomorrow. I will find the light in my day. Somehow.

Please, God.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 177 other followers